How Amazon Stole Christmas

Over the holidays there was apparently a huge shipping debacle centered around Amazon and a bunch of people had to undergo the horror of not getting all of those material possessions they paid for by Christmas.

People took to their keyboards, completely forgetting their own part in this mess by ordering gifts so late, and pounded out their ineffectual and empty threats at the companies involved. Bolstered behind their screens, they made promises to never order from Amazon again, to never use FedEx or UPS to ship anything. Promises that will last until the next time these people find themselves needing to order a pound of raspberry licorice and an inflatable chair at 2 am in their beer stained underwear.

He probably got those gloves from Amazon.

The people who were really mad, when an angry tweet just wasn’t enough (after all, you’re limited to 160 measly characters) made videos. In these videos they unwrapped their belated gifts in much the same way you or I would unwrap what we knew was a box of hot feces.

In one video two teenage boys begrudgingly opened gifts as their mother chided in off camera with things like “That’s right kids, open what Amazon didn’t get here in time for Christmas. Isn’t this great?” I couldn’t find the video, which leads me to assume it’s been taken down. I can only hope she kept that video for posterity, so her grandchildren can see for themselves the Christmas that grandma taught everyone materialism and ingratiation.

This leads me to my point: Where is the voice reminding us all that to have a Christmas present arrive late, then you’re lucky enough to have a Christmas present in the first place? All these people are lucky enough to afford a bunch of objects that are not necessary for their existence, while millions of other people around the world go without things that are.


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